Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
