If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
