your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
