you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
