It was confusing and full of hummus
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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