Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
