is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Just took my morning after pill in the library
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
