he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Randomize
