He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
Randomize
