oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
