If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
they're like a gay fantastic four
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
