On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
