she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
