I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
