thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
