Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
