I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
