he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
