Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
