I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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