Omg! Love it! Cant find L*****
What!!?? Like after last night you lost her?
Yea me and L***** came back to out hotel at 3am to regroup then went back out; police and 2 bars later, I don't know what happened. Vegas is nuts!
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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