I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
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