I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
