homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
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