you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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