I smell stomach acid.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Randomize
