No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
