She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
