I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
