I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
