In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
