I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
