The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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