And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
