my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
