It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
