went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
