Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
