i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
