I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
