Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
