I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
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