If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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