I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
