Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
