So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
