I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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