I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
