She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
dude i'm inner monologue high
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
