I cannot find my penis.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
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I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
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Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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