it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
