I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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