i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
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