my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Randomize
