the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Randomize
