I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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