what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
That accounts for only three of the penises
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Randomize
