She went from zero to smokin in five shots
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
You can't just leave with hair like that
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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